Memories of Sorrow
by Tamerlan Pahlavi
Summary: Azula reflects on her life while in prison and what brought on her demise, can she even hope for reconciliation or is all regret too late? Pre-comic canon only.


Reminiscence (Azula's POV)

I'm surprised you actually came here brother. I thought you wanted to forget about me and never see my face again... so, I threatened to kill myself if you wouldn't come, I even refused food from then on. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but you came, after all. No, I was... definitely not going to blame you for anything. You wonder why I called for you then if not to snarl at you and tell how much I hate you? ... No, I just wanted you to listen to your crazy little sister for a while.

Prison is such a lonely place and I didn't want to go numb. The guards never talk to me; they just come and do their duty and leave. I can almost feel their trembling, feel their fear... and disgust. Even you, my brother, can't bear to look me in the eye.

Having no one but myself forced me to think, forced me to look back, forced me to question why I am here and how I ended up this way. I rolled the past up and down. Every detail and event in my entire life. Over, and over, and over again. Every day, night, whatever; I can't tell anymore anyway. And-and, no matter how much tried, no matter how badly I wanted to put the blame on everyone else... _something_ never seemed right with that... until I realized the simple and painful truth. The one to blame, the one responsible for all my misery and pain... it is I...

What? You don't believe me? You don't think I'm sorry? ... It's fine. I can't be trusted. When did I ever tell you the truth anyway? ... But, believe me or not, back in Ba Sing Se, I realized I kinda missed having you around for _some_ reason... you know the rest. Interpret that _something_ whatever way you like...

But what does that mean in a lifetime of evil? Nothing, I deserve to die... No, in fact, I don't. I deserve to live here, chained up and caged like the monster I am... Yes, mother was right, I _am_ a monster. Normal people don't do the things I've done, they simply don't.

Don't even get me started on Mai and Ty Lee...

Why all this rambling? Why did I steal your precious time? As if you didn't know most of these thing anyway. I... I called you because I have a wish, so please listen: I... I want... I want _you_. I want you to come here sometimes, it doesn't have to be often. Maybe on my birthday, or IF... you ever think of me, perhaps. I just... I just want to see your face and hear your voice. You don't have to forgive me: condemn me, yell at me, throw all the rage and poison you got for me, I just want to hear it's sound. I want someone to care for me, at least in some way; and me to care back. I just want to experience a tiny glimpse of what this love thing is that made you so strong before I die. Fulfill me that wish brother and I will be thankful for all eternity; I will whisper your name when I cross to the other side. You know my destiny is hell but please, please be my small beam of light in this place of darkness. I wont ask for anything else, ever. What say you?

Zuko? Brother? My Lord? ... What is your answer? ... Why wont you say a thing? ... ANSWER ME! PLEASE! Just this one wish... I'M BEGGING YOU! PLEASE! I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH DEEPER I CAN BOW DOWN TO YOU TO NOTICE ME! PLEASE! SAY _SOMETHING_! BY ALL THAT'S SAINT TO YOU, PLEASE! ... ZUKO! BROTHER! MY LORD! ... WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME EVEN MORE! ... I got no one but you, don't deny me that... am I not your little sister... am I not the one you used to play with in the garden and in the mud... didn't we catch turtleducks together... is that really so far in the past that you don't remember... do you really hate me so much that you don't want to fulfill me just this one wish? ...

Brother... brother... I'm so _so_ sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry brother... I'm sorry...

And she kept calling his name and repeating her words as she curled up in the corner and wept bitterly, not realizing that the person she longed for the most was long gone. In fact, he wasn't there in the first place.

A light in the dark (Zuko's POV)

I see the concern in your eyes, dear Mai. You want to hear how it went. Well, sit down and listen, it might be a long story, my love. Was it a mistake like you predicted? I don't know, time will tell. You warned me not to go, warned me of her evil schemes and machinations, as if I wasn't the one who suffered most from them but rest assured that I appreciate your concern.  
I certainly shared the desire to ignore or burn the letters from prison that were piling up on the desk. A strange curiosity overcame me though, and a stranger feeling still as I read through the letters. Yes, I wanted to see if she really suffers, if she's really paying for what she did to all of us but there was something else... a feeling not completely unfamiliar.  
The same feeling I had when I saw her falling after our battle on the airship. The same feeling I had to hide and suffocate during the time of our last battle, when I was certain she had to die by my hand. As fate would have it, Katara's courage and resourcefulness spared me of that task. Still, I could have delivered her to the Earth Kingdom when the ambassador asked.  
How often did I imagine, dream of her death, indulge in sweet thoughts of revenge?... Still, even if Aang hadn't objected, I wouldn't have granted his wish.  
I just knew I couldn't bear her blood on my conscience... but I sure had no second thoughts about putting her in chains and locking away forever. I was glad her days of tyranny were numbered, that the world was finally safe from her, that I was safe from her. I was ready, excited, to put the past behind.  
I never expected she would ever face the worst tormentor of a sinful soul, the conscience. Seems like she still had some surprises in her sleeves. Of course, I didn't buy it at first. I fully expected some plot or scheme behind it all. Some cruel play, a shameful exploit of my pity to gain better conditions or even a pardon.  
Whatever it was, I wouldn't fall for it... and I wanted to show it to her face. Let her know once and for all that I'm no longer her fool, that she has no power over me, that there was no way she would ever reduce or escape her punishment. That's why I went. That, and another reason I couldn't admit even to myself.

The chief warden waited for me at the docks. She greeted me humbly and solemnly and started explaining the situation. She led me to the building and through its corridors and kept talking about how glad she was I finally came, how Azula was growing weaker by the day, how she would only eat after being assured that I would come soon.  
I remember her words as if they came from a dream. All of it seems like a dream now, for nothing could prepare me for what lay ahead. The door opened and I found myself stunned by what I saw. Paralyzed by pity that washed over me like a sudden flood. There she sat in the corner, filthy, ragged, thin and pale. Unlike the last time I saw her on her knees,  
the image of a poor, forsaken and helpless girl just wouldn't turn into that of a spoiled brat crying over a lost toy before my eyes. I had to summon all the bad memories and resentment to remind myself who she truly was. For a moment I wanted to spite her, to curse her, rub salt into her wounds but the words on my lips just wouldn't leave my mouth.

"I'm here!" was all that I managed to say.  
A voice I almost didn't recognize replied: "Zu-Zuko!? Is it? Is it truly you?"  
"Yes, yes it is." answered a voice barely my own.  
She looked up to me and... and... smiled!? No smirk, no grimace, just a smile. A smile I last saw when we were little, long before fate and choice severed our bond. When we were... happy.  
Did she really remember those times as well? Was she really glad to see me? Or was it a trick? Was the water in her dim eyes fake. If it was, I wouldn't let her win.  
"It is you, it must be. You never said a word before, no matter how much I pleaded so it must be you this time. It's so good to finally hear your voice."  
"Cut it out, you aren't fooling me! Why did you want me to come?"  
"Just to see your face and hear your voice, that is all."  
Silence fell. Her words surprised me, forced me to think what say next.  
"Really? You know what, I think you are just trying to manipulate me. You think that seeing you like this will soften me up. That a few tears will melt my heart. That I will take pity upon you after all you've done and just let you home?"  
"No, this is my home now. This is where I belong. Where I deserve to be. No amount of tears can wash that away. It just can't."  
Those words, her voice, her look. I just couldn't take it.  
"Then why did you threaten to take your life if I don't come!?"  
"Because the guards wouldn't let me write to you. Because you are the only reason I still cling to it."  
My anger finally exploded. I smashed open the door to her cage, grabbed her by the collar of her shirt and pinned her to the wall.  
"LIAR! You filthy little liar! I've had it with you. You will look me in the eye and tell me the real reason I'm here or I will end you right here, right now."  
"My life is yours to take, my lord. I'm just glad yours is the last face I'll ever see. Yes, I always lie, but this is a lie I believe myself."  
I just stood there, staring at her, not daring to speak, not daring to think, or to feel.  
"What else can I say brother? I want to say how sorry I am but a liar's words are meaningless..."  
"SPEAK!"  
And she spoke. A few stuttering words at first but in time more and more, until they burst like a river from a dam, each cutting me deeper than the last. She cried and sobbed, her voice failing her time and again. But never once asked me for forgiveness, or any kind of mercy or pardon. Never once did she put the blame for her misery on anyone but herself.  
The only thing she said she wanted, the only she barely dared to hope for was for me just to be around her sometimes. The reason why didn't matter to her. She just wanted me to care for some reason and for her to care back.  
It made me realize the real reason behind my impatient outburst. Despite everything, I just couldn't bear to see her in such a sorry state. I wanted to get it all over with and run like the wind. I wanted to believe that she was acting and lying but I just couldn't lose the nagging feeling that she wasn't faking it. I gave into it without noticing. Without noticing, my hands slid from her collar and I found myself embracing her tightly instead.  
She hugged me back, head buried in my chest, repeating: "Please, just be."  
"I will, promise. Just promise me that you'll eat again, not trouble the guards and I'll be here at least once month."  
After a small eternity, I said my farewell, her serene gaze following me to the door.

All in all, Was it a good idea to go? I don't know, time will tell. I just know that there must be a part of me that still longs for her to be my little sister, and I her big brother. For the sake of our mother that gave birth to us both, I'm willing to give her this last chance. I can't lift her out of the pit she dug for herself but maybe I can be that sole ray of light she desires so desperately. As I said, time will tell.

Yesterday, Azula, my one and only sister passed away. Quietly, like a shadow before dawn. I held her in my arms as the life left her, her last words being my name. I was the only one there, I was the only one she really had. She didn't cry or tremble, I did. I may have forgiven her in time, but the world never did. She never knew what it was like to be surrounded by friends, grow old with family, never knew the life I was blessed with.  
The weight of this will burden me for the rest of my days. I mourn her passing, the youth, beauty and potential she wasted behind locked doors. I mourn the things that never were but should have been. Tomorrow, I will bury her ashes next to our ancestors and perform the necessary rites. From now on I can only hope and pray that somewhere on the endless journey of life and death, our paths will meet again and that our souls will find in each other, the unclouded happiness that fate denied us in this life.


End file.
